"Don't beat yourself up..."
It's a term we have all heard time and again, 'don't beat yourself up'
on parenting forums, mother to mother, in person, from professionals.
And it has come to be one of my least favourite metaphors. I have been
asking myself, what is it that I find so abhorrent and unhelpful about
this one little sentence? What is the message behind this innocent
looking phrase and what would I like to hear instead?
Since becoming a parent and going through the challenges of toddlerhood with twins, I have discovered some enlightening things about parenting and about myself. I have journeyed into NVC (non-violent communication) and Positive Parenting and my language has changed, 'It's ok to feel sad, but it's not ok to hit your brother'. I am helping my children to understand, recognise and feel their emotions. Instinctively as a parent, you just want your kids to be happy ALL the time. And yet, that is completely impossible. And why do we want them to feel happy? Because it's so uncomfortable to us when they are upset, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, it's makes us feel all those big feelings and we want them to stop. We want those feelings to go away. They are hard for us to handle, because we learnt to squash them down and not feel them.
Except, they don't go away, they linger and fester and come out in other ways. And in some circumstances, lead to depression, anxiety.
So, I want my children to know when they are happy, sad, frustrated, joyful, angry, excited! All the emotions, not just the 'nice' ones.
And then I hear 'don't beat yourself up' - there it is again! I realise that behind this phrase, is 'don't feel sad, it's not ok to feel sad, be happy and grateful' and I want to stand up and scream 'IT'S OK TO FEEL SAD' to all those mummies who ARE feeling sad and need someone to share that with. It's ok to feel sad because you aren't enjoying every element of parenthood like you imagined you would, it's ok to feel disappointed because your breastfeeding journey ended before you wanted it to, it's ok to feel frustrated because your children won't put their toys away when you tell them to, it's ok to feel overwhelmed when your child has a meltdown in public and everyone is staring at you! You are not a bad parent, or a failure and you don't need to go away and squash those feelings and pretend you are ok. You just need someone to listen to you and then you can get those feelings out, much like your child who releases all those feelings whilst screaming on the floor and guess what, you do feel better!
And it's such a huge relief, to have someone listen, truly listen, accept and not try to fix. That's how I parent (or aim to, but no one is perfect!). That's what all humans need.
So next time you hear somebody retelling a difficult emotional story or situation about parenthood, listen, reflect, share that moment with them. Be present.
It's ok to feel sad.
Since becoming a parent and going through the challenges of toddlerhood with twins, I have discovered some enlightening things about parenting and about myself. I have journeyed into NVC (non-violent communication) and Positive Parenting and my language has changed, 'It's ok to feel sad, but it's not ok to hit your brother'. I am helping my children to understand, recognise and feel their emotions. Instinctively as a parent, you just want your kids to be happy ALL the time. And yet, that is completely impossible. And why do we want them to feel happy? Because it's so uncomfortable to us when they are upset, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, it's makes us feel all those big feelings and we want them to stop. We want those feelings to go away. They are hard for us to handle, because we learnt to squash them down and not feel them.
Except, they don't go away, they linger and fester and come out in other ways. And in some circumstances, lead to depression, anxiety.
So, I want my children to know when they are happy, sad, frustrated, joyful, angry, excited! All the emotions, not just the 'nice' ones.
And then I hear 'don't beat yourself up' - there it is again! I realise that behind this phrase, is 'don't feel sad, it's not ok to feel sad, be happy and grateful' and I want to stand up and scream 'IT'S OK TO FEEL SAD' to all those mummies who ARE feeling sad and need someone to share that with. It's ok to feel sad because you aren't enjoying every element of parenthood like you imagined you would, it's ok to feel disappointed because your breastfeeding journey ended before you wanted it to, it's ok to feel frustrated because your children won't put their toys away when you tell them to, it's ok to feel overwhelmed when your child has a meltdown in public and everyone is staring at you! You are not a bad parent, or a failure and you don't need to go away and squash those feelings and pretend you are ok. You just need someone to listen to you and then you can get those feelings out, much like your child who releases all those feelings whilst screaming on the floor and guess what, you do feel better!
And it's such a huge relief, to have someone listen, truly listen, accept and not try to fix. That's how I parent (or aim to, but no one is perfect!). That's what all humans need.
So next time you hear somebody retelling a difficult emotional story or situation about parenthood, listen, reflect, share that moment with them. Be present.
It's ok to feel sad.
Definitely ok to feel sad, its natural. We shouldn't teach our kids to suppress their feelings, make them feel like negative emotions are a burden. It makes them believe they have to hide it which is never healthy. X
ReplyDeleteAs soon as Squidge is old enough I'll do my best to explain my feelings to him. I've included it in my new post http://23weeksocks.com/2015/04/12/this-week-i-read-1/
ReplyDelete